I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
