I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
