me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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