Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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