Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
