Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
