hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
