Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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