Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
