i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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