I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
