Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Randomize
