Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
