A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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