and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
