he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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