had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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