I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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