As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize