I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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