We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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