Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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