Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
