i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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