god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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