Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
