When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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