Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
