I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
