Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
