she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
