I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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