My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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