It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
