Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
