Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
