Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
