Got a toothbrush?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
