Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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