I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
