The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
