tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
