Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
