then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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