well I can't set my house on fire every night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
