I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
