You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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