We named our party play list daddy issues
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry my hands just texted you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
