Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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