I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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