I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize