sarcasm needs its own font
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
