Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
