Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
