I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
