I'm lost and stupid without you.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
