Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
