I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
