i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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