My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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