You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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