She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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