I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
