Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
