I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
