you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
