Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
